Words by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest
critics and endure the
betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden
patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

What was Spoken

I can't remember the things she said anymore-
or maybe I'm just trying to forget.
I couldn't let her see the real me if, in fact, I knew who that was.
I had to hide myself from her...my trust was never
something I could give freely.
It wasn't fair that she was the way she was. I can't say why it ended that way.
That's just how things turned out.
But she said "I love you," every time we spoke.
I can't say the same.
I have only myself to blame.

I am losing the details of stories she told me about
the day I was born.
Besides, I was never sure how much of what she said was true.
Or just stuff she made up over the years of guilt
and confusion. Maybe she wanted her memories to be mine. Maybe she wanted to make up for something.
Some of the stuff she said time and again without change.
So I tend to believe that stuff. What choice do I have, anyway?
I wonder what she'd change if she had the power?
And she said, "I love you," every time we spoke.
I can't say the same.
I have only myself to blame.

People say I have every right to feel the way I do.
Sure, they're right. That doesn't make me feel peace
in my heart. Right doesn't heal the wrong.
I was a baby just like a thousand others. So many mothers
cherish and keep their babies. She didn't chose to do that with
me. Did I still owe her anything? What is blood, anyway?
I don't feel sorry for myself. My life turned out the way it was
meant to. I never stopped wishing things would one day be better.
I never stopped wishing she could be more than she was.
But she said, "I love you," every time we spoke.
I can't say the same.
I have only myself to blame.

When you walk past the hill where her ashes rest, reflect a moment. Tell her I said "hello." Tell her I can't continue to blame either of us. It's too hard, and it's pointless. Tell her I loved her as much as she let me. And tell her I understand that she loved me as much as she knew how. One of these days I'll get there to work this out in person.

8/5/06

Farther Away

I have never felt farther away from you
I know it's me;

I don't know how to change it all
can't you see?

You have all of the answers from here
to eternity...

Can you tell me what is going to
become of me?

I am so sorry about the things I've
done to you.

Is your silence an indication that you
are tired, too?

Does the fact that I can't get this right
mean we're through?

I know there is no excuse for this,
I know that's true.

You knew it all before it happened,
so what happens now?

I once was what I thought you wanted,
what you'd allow.

These days I doubt I know where to
start or even how.

Though I am far from you, at your
name I still bow.

I've never felt farther away from you and I know it's me. I'm so sorry.

The Hamster Wheel

alarm clock
up and moving
shower and other
mindless grooming
check things out
they're all okay
moving along
on my way
drive and stop
stop and go
on the road
go with the flow
follow others
setting the pace
pushing the gas
in the race
coffee time
answer the phone
open the mail
in the zone
boot the pc
shuffle around
more callers
requests abound
e-mail check
then coordinate
errands for others
a mindless state
write if i have
time to kill
customer service
send out a bill
input numbers
type a letter
help the boss
make things better
file a print
type some more
get more coffee
mid morning bore
day winds down
time to leave
back on the road
what do i need?
the pace begins
all over again
doesn't quit
no time to bend
tidying up
winding down
out in the country
way out of town
hamster on a wheel
do you ever pause
nope, i don't
just because
a home to keep
kids to feed
responsibilities
to heed
one of these days
looking back
will things seem
out of whack?

08/05/2006

Waiting For the Shoe to Drop

I'm waiting for the shoe to drop
shoe to drop
shoe to drop
can't control this thing
can't make it stop
make it stop
I'm waiting for the shoe to drop
watch it fall
watch it fall
can't tell myself it's all okay
when i see the writing
on the wall
on the wall
I'm waiting for the shoe to drop
make it stop
watch it fall
we're all just passersby
after all
after all
can't tell myself it's all okay
when it takes strength
just to stand
just to stand
don't even know who I am
so here I am
waiting for the shoe to drop
make it stop
make it stop

08/05/06

The Line You Don't Want to Cross

Anyone that knows me knows that I don't swear unless I am furious. Even then, I try to keep it in check. Here's the quickest way to get me cussing mad. It's called the "Mother Bear Syndrome." :) At least that's what I call it.

The Line You Don't Want to Cross

Cut me, stab me
cause the blood to flow
I'll forgive you over and over
but there's one thing you should know.

Say what you want
Whatever you think is right
just don't mess with my kids
just don't go there, allright?

What makes you think
you can compete with them?
I carried them for nine months
I will protect them to the end.

I'm not a violent person
I keep my temper in check
but if you push me too far
the train is going to wreck.

I don't care what your opinion is
I don't care what you have to say-
Do me a favor and shut your mouth
Do what's wise and walk away.

I know my kids aren't perfect
like me, they have their faults
but I'll be damned if I will let them
be downgraded by so-called adults.

Why don't you look in the mirror
and start giving yourself advice...
you sure as hell could use some-
why not try it once or twice?

I'm not so sure you are that great
at managing your own juggling act-
So to console yourself you look around
to see who else's life is off track.

You aren't where you want to be-
things didn't end up how you thought.
So you go around nitpicking others
pretending to be someone you're not.

I'm not the only person around you
who can see through your fascade
you're not fooling many people
when you go around playing God.

Now for the synopsis of this tirade
to bring it all to a quick conclusion:
If it comes down to my kids or you-
Know that they're the ones I'm choosin'.


8/4/06.

Critical Eyes

Critical Eyes

Your eyes
are daggers cutting deeply-
Don't you judge
you don't even know me!
Who are you...
to think of me as lowly?
I'm not as bad
as you portray me to be.
What do I
have to do to please you?
I try so hard
but my best is lacking, too.
Can I ever win
your respect or admiration?
That ironic grin
hides such condemnation.
It's no wonder
I stopped trying to impress-
there's no winning!
you'll never know real happiness.
I hope you're okay
with making me feel so wrong...
This life is short
but your disapproval is long.
I'm leaving now
because I can't take this anymore.
I put down the mirror
but my critic followed me out the door.

08/02/2006

Tracking the elusive self esteem......

Angry Words

Angry Words

I take my pen in hand,
while I take your heart for granted
if I could have written my life story
this is not how I would have planned it.

We had dreams to lose and lies to tell;
fallen stars lost in a wishing well....
When I'm gray with gnarled bones,
my pain will haunt me when I'm alone.

You pushed me away with angry words,
my reaction unseen like a hummingbird.
So fleeting were our past transgressions,
much too late for repentant confessions.

Forgotten vows are remembered now...
we will figure this out, somehow.
When I leave this life, this much I pray...
may our anger not doom us on judgment day.

Another one written 8/5/01. That must have been one heck of a bad day! :)

Silent Sacrifice

Silence makes my heart wander
no absence makes us grow fonder
You are you and I am me
We've glossed over our individuality.

Years go by and tears fall down
laughter fades and comes back around.
I've lost myself while you've found you
there is nothing left of this dream come true.

Fights and conflicts, rain and shine
what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine.
Who is to blame, we cannot tell
we've tasted heaven and lived through hell.

Conversations are continuations of
a struggle that never ends in love
Happily ever after lies
all that's left is family ties.

On the other side of a perfect rainbow
is just more pain, this much I know.
At least with you there is familiarity
even if I sacrificed my own identity.


Written 8/5/01.

You Touched Me

You Touched Me

You touched my fingers
my hand
my wrist
my shoulder
my neck
You never left my soul untouched.

You caressed my neck
my chin
my lips
my ear
my temple
I never knew I could feel this much.

I won't forget
your eyes
your smile
your whisper
your warmth
Is it fate or just an amazing stroke of luck?

You touched me
I've never felt so loved.

Drawn to You

Drawn to You

I'm so drawn to you
like you have
a magnet in your hand
pulling me to you
over and over again.
Why I can't walk away
is a mystery to me...
like a sequel
to some romantic comedy.
I wish with all that is in me
I could give up on you
forget the years we shared
and start over, fresh and new.
This incessant longing
to be by your side
betrays me daily
like some roller coaster ride.
I don't have an answer
to this riddle I've been given
this is just another hard test
in this crazy life we're living.

I Wish I Knew

Rob and I have been married 15 years. We lived together one year before that. We dated several months before we moved in together. We worked together for almost a year before we began dating. Needless to say, we have quite a history.

In our 16+ years together, there have been bumps in the road. Forks in the road. Detours. Road construction. Pot holes. Times when we were determined to take the next exit ramp off the highway, and not go a mile more. Yet, we remain. During some of the ups and downs, I wrote. That's what I do. I cope that way. My fellow blogger and someone I consider a new friend, neicy, has had the courage to share some of her romantic poetry. I've thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm pulling these out of my dusty poetry archives from 2001. Some of these are about heartbreak, some are about strong love and attraction. Hope at least one of them speak to you.

I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew
how I feel about you-
It's tangled
It's love
it's hate
it's fear:

because every time you're near
it's like christmas morning
a surprise birthday party
the first snow of winter
jumping in raked leaves

I wish I knew
what to do about you-
To run
or stay
forget you
because every time you're near
is like getting a brand new bike
the last day of class for the summer
the first day of spring break
or meeting a new best friend

I wish I knew
where to go or what to say-
Please stay
I'll go
forgive me
because every time you're near
it's like a snow day in february
a letter from a dear friend
the sound of rain on the rooftop
sunday dinner with peach cobbler

And it's like
being home

holding you is like
being home
touching you is like
being home
your lips on mine is like
being home
my hand in yours is like
being home

I've always known that you're my home.