I Bet I Can

The day I beat the depression is the day I stop writing poetry and start writing songs. Written 6/30/06.

I Bet I Can

i bet i can write a poem today

because the anger is welling up

the pain is writhing in my brain

i bet i can lie straight to your face

and say i am great, yep i am good

as i stare out this cloudy window pane

i bet i can go inside myself and wallow

for there is no use in reaching out

it's said the most talented are insane

i bet i can't make you understand

there's no real way to put into words

if i don't know why- then i can't explain

i bet i can go on and on this way

up and down like a puppet on a string

at the mercy of this elusive pain

i bet you'll never know the real me

see... i will give you what i want

anything else is just trying in vain

i bet this is what God gave me to cope

even if others don't see it that way

my gift to help my curse be slain

i bet i can write a poem today

because the anger is welling up

the pain is writhing in my brain

Hey, Did You Know?

Hey, did you know this is just my poetry blog? My real blog...my daily life and all that other mundane stuff can be found at:

www.kristikay.blogspot.com.

I haven't had the time or inclination to edit my link list yet. I hope to eventually add my favorite blogs and other links to my template. However, for some reason, editing HTML isn't my idea of fun at this point. So, if you feel like checking out my "official" blog, that's how you can jump over there.

Hope you're having a superb Wednesday!

Honoring My Friends

These are verses honoring my friends. I'm putting them in time order. Wyn is first because I've known her for thirty years now. Debbie is last but certainly not least.

Some of my friends were like a brief flicker in my life that have come and gone. Others I still communicate with and they remain deeply intertwined into the fabric of my life. Regardless, they have all made a difference in who I've become. Each and every one have impacted my life. Each have influenced who I am in some way.

For each and every one of them, I am thankful. I honor them and thank them for being the beautiful women they are. I am so blessed to have these women around me.

Whether you've been with me since my childhood, or if you're just getting to know me: you are in my life for a reason, and I pray I can bless you half as much as you've blessed me!


Wyn

Our friendship has been thriving for three decades-
just toddlers when we met, but the friendship remains.
You love your family and of them you're proud;
you aren't afraid to live your life out loud.
You can do whatever you set your mind to...
you're strong- but have a soft fragility about you.
Though you live quite a distance-- several states away;
you're always in my heart...that's where you'll stay.


Tracy

We've been friends since the elementary days;
How did we weather that awkward, preteen stage?
You turned out to be such a beautiful girl-
all of our friends thought you had the world.
Parents who never divorced and still loved each other,
a pretty younger sister and neat little brother.
Then life brought losses that rocked you to the core...
it made you determined to keep fighting for more.


Trish

Also from grade school you have been my friend-
you had energy to spare and rules to bend!
Never could be contained, never dreary...
but of opening up your heart you were often leery.
You were full of pain but it seldom showed through;
life was a challenge to be conquered by you.
An accident broke your neck but not your drive-
you fought back and now walk on with pride.


Sheila

My life changed, friend, when we met at age nine;
I can still relive the entire scene in my mind.
We are so much alike that it is almost bizarre
but our individual differences make us who we are.
Your outlook on life continues to inspire;
life has been tough but you still reach higher.
You push me to think, to study, to pray
I thank God that I have you in my life every day.


Holli

Met you in Jr. High but we're true friends these days
you support me in prayer and in so many other ways
I'm in awe of the faith that defines who you are...
in just the last year God has brought you so far.
You are kind and encouraging- such a joy to know;
your laughter bubbles over wherever you go.
When I count my blessings, you're always one-
you're a woman of strength, character and fun.


Betsy

I met you through mutual friends in our youth group
we were all ages and personalities...what a troop!
You seemed so much more responsible and wise-
I loved seeing life through your remarkable eyes.
You dated my brother but never held that against me;
you married a guy that I had dated briefly.
It's surprising to see how our lives have turned out!
Knowing you enriched my life, without a doubt.


Toni

Toni, my friend, you may be the most blessed among us
for over ten years now you've been in heaven with Jesus
I'll always remember you; your grace and your style
I can still see your beautiful, ever present smile.
I cherish your letters and photos- for that's all I have of you
until we meet again one day when my life is through
Until then, you aren't forgotten, how could you be?
You are my friend then, now, and through eternity.


Marilyn

You were an unforeseen friend I met in the mid nineties;
God continues to unite us with his loving mercies.
You were sure I'd be friends with your youngest daughter-
now I work with your husband who is like my own father.
I am close to your oldest child and still bonded with you,
when we became friends I got three friends that are true!
I think of you as an extension of my own family...
I hope you know just how much you all mean to me.


Luree

I saw you, my friend, and could see Christ in your eyes;
I mentioned it to you and you seemed so surprised.
We started talking and we felt a connection-
our bond grew out of love for God and mutual affection.
Over the years life has pulled us all over the place!
It's so hard to keep up with life moving at this pace.
Though we don't have the time we'd like to spend,
you'll remain in my heart as a sister and friend.


Brenda

Eight years of friendship have come and gone;
without you some days I couldn't carry on.
Your influence has shaped me, made me strong;
my life changed dramatically when you came along.
You just don't see the beauty that others see in you...
or the strength you possess that is obvious and true.
We have seen each other at our best and at our worst-
and through it all we remember our friendship comes first.


April

Seven years of friendship and family ties we have known;
you've moved, but we stay connected by email and phone.
Sometimes I reflect on those days you were here
your practical joking kept us full of laughter and cheer.
We understood each other's uncertainties and pain;
we saw each other through difficulties, sunshine and rain.
We acted like sisters, you being the sibling five years older than I;
I'm sure I'll pay for saying that next time you stop by.


Sandy

Six years of friendship now; how can that be?
You came in to my life and become such a part of me.
You're my teacher, mentor...so many hats you wear
You've enriched my life greatly by just 'being there.'
You have such a sweet spirit, giving and kind
caring, talented: these attributes in you I find.
Thinking of what you mean to me, it's no surprise:
that I now depend on you more than I realized.


Beth

My friend, you have your mom's sense of fun!
I have admired your adventuresome side from day one.
At first you were 'Sandy's daughter' when I thought of you,
but now you're an individual that I enjoy talking to!
I hope that we keep writing and emailing regularly....
you have been a breath of fresh air in my life lately.
I am looking forward to seeing what God has for you;
you have the most important gift: a heart that's true.


Myrtle

Our friendship blossomed over many weekends;
Two years since we met and now we're fast friends.
My bond with you fills a void in my heart-
You've been like a mother to me from the start.
The smile on your face is familiar and sweet...
always quick with a hug and a kiss when we meet.
You've quickly taken root in my life and in my mind;
God brought us together at just the right time.


Debbie

I met you last year, but we became fast friends of late.
I can't imagine not knowing you now- it was fate.
At first our focus was our spouses and kids;
we talked because of them, and about what they did.
Over time things changed like a butterfly's transformation.
There isn't much we don't share now in our conversations.
If I don't talk to you each day, it just isn't complete...
but soon we'll be neighbors; that is going to be a treat!

Forgetting

I say let's just forget about it...
there's no use fighting this hard-
why are we holding on to nothing,
airing our dirty linens in the yard?

People can be forgotten, you know
sometimes it takes lots of painful years.
Finally the memory of their faces will pass-
like a sun faded photo flecked with tears.

Let's just leave this in the stillness...
can't see us finding any better way.
Why force a happy ending on this sadness?
We always knew it had to end some day.

Our hearts pounded, pressed together-
then empty hours too quickly followed.
My body melted every time I saw you;
soon my soul was rendered hollow.

"No good can come of this," He said...
for He knew what would remain.
Trying to protect His child from the bitter,
He knew what hearts could not contain.

I say let's just forget about it,
though it's easier said than done.
Don't look back at what there once was...
Close your eyes and begin to run.


06/21/06

For every love that's meant to be, there are a hundred that aren't. This is my tribute to the lost loves.

I Heard About You

I was shopping the other day when I ran in to my aunt's granddaughter, Christina. We hugged, talked for a few minutes, and then, naturally, I asked about my aunt. I had sent her several cards and left her a couple of voice mails, but hadn't heard back in awhile. We both lead busy lives, so I wasn't overly concerned.

Christina's reply was that she was doing okay under the circumstances. I said, "Circumstances? What circumstances?"


Turns out, my aunt's best friend, Chris, killed himself the day before Mother's Day. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it.

I've been to see my aunt twice since then. She's coping, and she's surviving, but she's hurting. Because I am so close to my aunt, I had spent quite a bit of time with Chris as well. Needless to say, I too, am reeling from the shock. It was so unnecessary.

I decided to write to put how I'm feeling in perspective.

i heard about you

i heard about you the other day

i couldn't believe what they had to say

they knocked and knocked upon your door

like so many other times before

they found you there, two days gone

you had no reason to carry on

no one here could make you stay

those ties didn't bind much, anyway

you tried church, you tried prayer

but you found no comfort there

you lived by the pill and by them you died

who knows what else you could have tried

in your bible they found a card from me

after i'd stopped by to visit unexpectedly

such a passing thing for me to do

didn't know it meant that much to you

we can say "what if" but what does it mean?

we can't predict a future that's unforeseen

i wish i did, but chris: i didn't know

that you couldn't hold on, you had to go

i know someone who cared more than i

i'll hold her hand and let her cry

i heard about you the other day

i couldn't believe what they had to say

Written: 06/07/06

Dark in Here

I gave my heart to the Lord when I was three years old. I remember making the decision, and I was fully aware that serving God is what I wanted to do. I grew in knowledge and understanding of the Bible and matured in my faith. I was solid in my convictions and firm in my stand. Yet I didn't know everything, though I thought I did. I remember as a teen, having been a Christian for years, not understanding the thinking of a person who loved God and yet was depressed. How can we "count it all joy" and not be happy?

Then I experienced depression for myself. It came after having had my first two children just seventeen months apart. I felt myself unraveling. I was clinging to God but felt lonely, fatigued, without a lot of answers. No matter how hard I tried to focus, my thoughts were scattered. I was struggling to keep my head above water.

Since then I've realized that God has given me many a coping strategy when depression creeps in. Prayer and fellowship, of course, but one of the biggest outlets for me is writing. I can almost feel the deep loneliness lose its grip on me when I write about it.

I see things in another light now. We should not hide our struggles from others, pretending we're okay if we're not. God wants us to share with one another so that we can truly support each other. That's what the church was meant to be. The last thing we should be doing is judging our sister or brother for fighting an uphill battle.

Dark in Here

it's so dark in here
in the depths
of my mind
someone turn on a light
no!
forget that i asked
turn it off!
it hurts my eyes

so used to being in this place
where emptiness looms
a cold dark
cave
so little hope
no breathing room

take this pill
read this book
say this prayer
surround yourself
with your friends
that truly care

open up
don't shut down
don't give in
count your blessings
count the cost
here we go
again

think of all
the other folks
who are hungry
tired and cold
think of all
the ways
you've been blessed
as you grow old

this is just temporary
tomorrow
the sun will shine again
now straighten up
lift your chin
let's see that
happy grin

and while we're
at it
throwing around
platitudes
here's a bandaid
for you to conceal
that gaping wound

Out of Breath

In keeping with my "poem writing therapy," here is a poem I wrote on 5/12/06. It was the week before Mother's Day and I was feeling a lot of pain. Writing always helps.

Out of Breath

out of great pain
out of madness
comes great depth

out of time
out of options
fresh out of breath

in my mind
out of my head
which one am i

in the scheme
of all thing surreal
what should i try

on my own
though the fire
life goes on

drumbeat stops
hearts decay
are we truly gone

ours was real
was more than true
that's who we are

no grasp on it
for we now know
we raised the bar

over me now
flows the truth
you have left

no one lost
we had a life
before the death