What was Spoken

I can't remember the things she said anymore-
or maybe I'm just trying to forget.
I couldn't let her see the real me if, in fact, I knew who that was.
I had to hide myself from her...my trust was never
something I could give freely.
It wasn't fair that she was the way she was. I can't say why it ended that way.
That's just how things turned out.
But she said "I love you," every time we spoke.
I can't say the same.
I have only myself to blame.

I am losing the details of stories she told me about
the day I was born.
Besides, I was never sure how much of what she said was true.
Or just stuff she made up over the years of guilt
and confusion. Maybe she wanted her memories to be mine. Maybe she wanted to make up for something.
Some of the stuff she said time and again without change.
So I tend to believe that stuff. What choice do I have, anyway?
I wonder what she'd change if she had the power?
And she said, "I love you," every time we spoke.
I can't say the same.
I have only myself to blame.

People say I have every right to feel the way I do.
Sure, they're right. That doesn't make me feel peace
in my heart. Right doesn't heal the wrong.
I was a baby just like a thousand others. So many mothers
cherish and keep their babies. She didn't chose to do that with
me. Did I still owe her anything? What is blood, anyway?
I don't feel sorry for myself. My life turned out the way it was
meant to. I never stopped wishing things would one day be better.
I never stopped wishing she could be more than she was.
But she said, "I love you," every time we spoke.
I can't say the same.
I have only myself to blame.

When you walk past the hill where her ashes rest, reflect a moment. Tell her I said "hello." Tell her I can't continue to blame either of us. It's too hard, and it's pointless. Tell her I loved her as much as she let me. And tell her I understand that she loved me as much as she knew how. One of these days I'll get there to work this out in person.

8/5/06