Thinking Out Loud

I wrote this poem, along with several others, on 10/05/04. I was sitting in the car, waiting for Mom to finish her grocery shopping. I was tired, overwhelmed, and fighting depression. Mom was getting sicker. I could see it in plain sight. I had been watching this confident, beautiful 80-year old...one who was always physically fit, sharp as a tack, energetic, fiesty, always in control start to change: In just weeks she was becoming a frail, insecure woman right before my eyes. I was discouraged, because I wasn't getting any help from her boys. I didn't know that just two and a half months later, Mom would pass away. I knew something was wrong, I knew she was going downhill, and I knew I wasn't coping well. I missed my family, I needed support, I needed a day off. I couldn't find a way to make things better. So I took my pen in hand and dashed off several poems. It calmed me, refreshed me, enabled me to go on.


Thinking Out Loud

it's just one of those days
that doesn't make sense
down for no reason
and the sadness is intense

the sun is shining
the sky is cloudless blue
but inside is a struggle
about what I should do

nobody's perfect
this much i have seen
yet my life feels so empty
what does this mean?

i feel like i'm fenced in
can't break free
everyone has expectations
of what they want from me

i just want to run
and forget everything
clip the ties that bind me
this girl on a string

my heroes are criminal
my kindness is a sham
everything is corrupt
as is everything i am

can't trust my brother
my neighbor, my friend
can't trust myself
my character i can't defend

so i stare out the window
into the great vast blue
and i sit here and wonder
what in the world will i do?