i managed to forget you

i don't recall reading this
but i must have cried, anyway
must have hurt me profoundly
so i changed somehow that day

everything was going fine
you could have been mine
but you decided, instead,
to walk away

and here in my mind
i erased it all
pretended like
i didn't take the fall

everything was going fine
you could have been mine
but you decided, instead
to pull away

i don't remember how i felt
did my heart race a bit
when i saw my name
as you carelessly wrote it?

everything was going fine
you could have been mine
but you decided, instead
to write those words.

if you didn't mean it
you could have fooled me
did you even hesitate
or jot them with ease?

everything was going fine
you could have been mine
no matter what you
thought you knew.

I was young, but you see
there was a depth to me
i had a foundation and a
heart full of loyalty


everything was going fine
but i guess it wasn't
eventually, i managed to
forget you, didn't i?


thursday, august 16th, 2007

rock and a hard place

I'm caught between my life
of melancholy and
folly
Stuck here
rock and a hard place
yet I don't care
Finding myself
trying to trick the clock
up and down
the racetrack
at the end of the block
Just a second
can't spare an hour
amazing what I give away
so much power
Left holding the bag
but the bottom fell out
spider running up and down
the water spout
washed to sea but
i wanted it that way
She says, they said
everyone has a thought
is this the life that
i sought?
you gave me the choice
eenie meenie minie mo
now i can't remember
which way to go

thursday, august 16th, 2007

Clutter

gotta get out of this place
the walls are closing in
i'm tripping on
what is gone
must find my own space

shine that light again
this place is dark
i'm tired
still wired
i forget where I've been

for crying out oh so loud
too tired to weep
i need a change
a slower lane
wanna hide behind my shroud

i can't stand this nonstop noise
can't think straight in here
i want to unwind
or maybe rewind
find a series of harmless joys

can't get away from it at all
because it's deep within
it's my own brain
making me insane
and I feel like I just might fall

08/22/07

Watching You

5/28/07

You watched us as we watched you
you patiently waited for us to go
Thank you for sharing your home
with us for the afternoon
You are so much like us
in many ways
Daddy, Mommy, with your
three babies
You're so loving
carefully nurturing
not taking your eyes away
for a moment.
You knew we wouldn't stay
and we would soon be moving on
When we gathered our gear
you directed your family
down to the bank
and glided on, resuming
your life on the pond.
Thank you for the serenity
for that is what we shared today.

tired

5/27/07

can't sleep
but i'm so tired
must be that creative genius psychopath in me
trying to keep me awake

i like to sleep
and i usually sleep soundly
but all this writing
is effecting me profoundly

hush little baby
it's eye closing time
for my scribbling is senseless
and i'm all out of rhyme

The Way it Is

I read a really good book
couldn't put it down
then I forgot all about it
as the months rolled around

If I read it ten years later
I'd wonder if it was deja vu...
then I'd forget it again
when I was through

Please don't take this wrong
but you'll be the same
one day I'll struggle
to remember your name

Maybe I'll remember
your kiss or a romantic date
but if you walk away
make sure you close the gate

Because I'm not being mean
it's just the way my brain adjusts
instead of grieving you
I'll simply forget about us

I'll drive my car past an old farm
I will think I've seen it, but won't be sure
so don't take to heart what we have
in the end, it, too, will be folklore.

Change

5/27/07

Sometimes when I
think about it,
my heart just breaks.
My throat feels tight.
Tears trail down my face

So much has changed
so much has changed
but then again
it's all the same.

I need a constant
I need security
and I can't find it
inside of me.
I'm not what I used to be.

So much has changed
so much has changed
but then again
it's all the same.

I want to hold on
please don't let go
don't release this grip
keep me here, hold me close
it's a long, dark trip.

So much has changed
so much has changed
but then again
it's all the same.

Reassure me, calm me
until I drift off to sleep
don't think it odd
if at times I weep.
For you see-

So much has changed
so much has changed
but then again
it's all the same.

Nine Years

5/27/07

I've stared at that same spot on the floor
every day for nine years now.
It never changes.
Could it be that I've spend a third
of my life here since
I walked through this door?

Though it's not reality, part of me
feels a sense of ownership
in this place.
Yet in a moment my life
could change and a new adventure
I'd embrace.

Good days-bad days-
days flew by without fanfare...
and I'm sitting here
facing that same spot
with the same blank stare.

Reflections of a Loss

5/26/07

Standing at your grave
one of thousands
in neat, architectural rows
each year I find yours easier
lot and number
I now know by heart
Soon you will be gone longer
than I had you in my life
I was just twenty-two
that wasn't long enough.
At first I was worried
that I might forget you
but now I know
I never could.
I wish you were able to
stay longer.
I truly wish I'd known.

Grandpa

05/26/07

You taught me to laugh
at life when it got too serious
you'd say
"scratch your mad place and get glad"
when I was glaring and furious

You said,
"You must be too short on one end"
when something was out
of my reach
you'd listen when I was sad
and never preach.

Though you left this world
in my heart you will live on
they will remember you
because through my eyes
you'll never be gone.

You're Just You

11/06

You're outspoken
and unabashadly you-
don't care who hears
sure whatever you say is true.

A semblance of nice
a touch of bitter
one thing I'll give you
you're no quitter.

You'll grandstand for this
you'll prattle on about that
you may not know
which cat's in the hat.

Take just one second
to look before you leap
keep in mind
some things just run too deep.

You're a Drink

11/17/06

You know my number
but you sure don't call it.
If you're a drink
I'm an alcoholic
been going to meetings
in my head
Maybe I'll beat this habit
when I'm dead.
Do me a favor-
kill me quick
you're one vise
I just can't kick.

Who Are You to Me?

11/16/07

Who are you to me?
We don't even know each other.
You think you know me-
a wife and a mother.
There are layers
that I don't even fathom-
Where is the real you?
Let me at 'em.
I can tell you really care-
case in point
your point blank stare.
over the river
through with you
this again?
Nothing new.

I Can't Believe

11/01/06

I can't believe you did that
for me.
Without even letting on
that you were going to.
You made my friend cry...
tears of joy.
I didn't know you cared
so much.
You don't want friends
but by your actions,
you blessed mine.
You went against the grain
against your tendency
to be an introvert...
by doing so you helped a family
more than you could know.
Thank you
the friend is mine....
but the goodness is yours.

You Love Me

11/01/06

How else am I supposed to see it?
You love me.
I can't see it any other way.
By deeds
not words
Words were never your strong suit.
but the tongues of men
spout lies-
who can believe them?
So I'll look at your time
and I'll continually
be amazed
at how much of it
is spent on me.
How else am I supposed to see it?
You love me.
I can't see it any other way.

Blame

blame

i'm sure this is all your fault
then again
i'm pretty sure it's all mine

i thought we were coping
thought we
were doing just fine

i can't imagine what happened
how we
could have made things better

i can't dwell on the past
sure can't
predict the weather

i've been asking myself
will things
ever be the same?

i'm wondering can i trust
you
or will this hurt remain?

i'm sure this is all my fault
but then-
i'm sure that it's not

i'm stuck with uncertainty
and that's
all that i've got.

When in Crisis, Write.

Retreating

i love you, i love you
i really do
it's just that right now
i'm barely making it through

i'm so tired of being tired
and sick of being sick
i'm tired of wondering
what makes you tick

i had dreams i had hopes
i had positive thoughts
now i have worry
inside of me, it rots

i want to run
i want to hide
but there is no running
from what's inside

i don't want promises
i don't want false hopes
i want out of this ring
my back's on the ropes

i'm cornered, i'm beaten
i'm bruised and bleeding
so if you don't see me
to my corner i'm retreating.

God's Boxes

A friend sent me this via email forward. I don't know who wrote this, but I thought it was lovely, and figured I'd share. Having not posted to this blog in months, I figured it was high time to update it. :)

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,

Which God gave me to hold.

He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,

And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words and in the two boxes,

Both my joys and sorrows I stored,

But though the gold became heavier each day,

The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black box,

I wanted to find out why,

And I saw in the base of the box, a hole,

Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,

"I wonder where my sorrows could be?"

He smiled a gentle smile and said,

"My child, they're all here with me.."

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,

Why the gold and the black with the hole? "
the gold is for you to count your blessings,

The black is for you to let go."

Psalm 121:1

"I will lift my eyes to the hills-From whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

You Might as Well be Invisible

You might as well be invisible
because I've made you that way
Used to see your work in my life
now it's all but faded away.

I don't even call out to you
in times of hardship, anymore
you aren't a personal Santa Claus
that's not what you're for.

If I can't find my way
then I know where I'll be
lost and alone through
all eternity.

But I cannot be fake
even if I cannot be real
I won't call myself something
if I can't live up to the deal

You might as well be invisible
but I'm not sorry enough, I guess
When I get there I'll call you
and hope it's not too late to confess

09/14/06

Games

hide and seek
seek and go hide
how many times
to your face
have i lied?

bob and weave
form a story
leave out details
that are
far too gory.

image is everything
no matter
what they say
can't keep on
going this way.

on the ropes
taking a beating
with your words
yet you ignore
my pleading.

highs and lows
but without the
highs
giving it one too
many tries

forgive and forget
but i just cannot
when you hit me
again in the
very same spot

battered and bleeding
without a mark
on me
will i ever truly
be free

no escape route
four walls close in
here comes the
family is sacred
lecture again

full of platitudes
but lacking in
stability
just look at what's
become of me

rock paper scissors
i lose every time
scissors cut my
heart out
one last time

09/14/06

Can't Do This

I'm pretty sure I can't do this anymore.
Or maybe I'm just tired of the way we're living.
I'm sitting here wondering "what the hell?"
and hell is all you've been giving.

Spending my precious time
trying to stop the leak
but now the whole house is flooded
surrounding me, covering all I seek.

I lived like this growing up
and again here for far too long
no matter what I do or don't do
I'm always bound to be wrong.

I'm sure that choosing to stay
is a choice for losing what I have
of my soul, it's already withered
my joy is faded, my heart is sad

Insanity is knocking, steadily beckoning
consuming my logic, vying mightily
if I leave I might just regain
some of fragments of a fractured me.

Got to go, I have no choice
but to run and find some safety
All I know is I can't go on
the way we have here lately.

09/14/06